Love and Sex
What hppens when one of you has more money than the other?
How to deal with the lack of balance?
It`s no doubt that people look for friends amongst those who are closer to them by mood, feelings, character. A lot of true friendships start at school, in the university and at work. The next story is very helpful, also well known and I am sure that many of you have gone through it, no matter on which side of the coin they have been.
Maria and Irena meet each and become great friends in the university. The years have been tough for both of them and the two girls do not have very big financial opportunities. They live in Student city; they share one and the same way of modest life. They go shopping only when there is a clearance and seek for discounts. Their pocket money is modest, and at bars they restrict themselves to only a coffee and a mineral water. They buy cosmetics, but try to find a cheap one and in huge quantities. You probably have already managed to imagine the everyday life of the two girls. They do not quarrel for boys, the share everything, they do not complain from the hardships and they look towards the future with hope. In such a way for a very long period of time the financial opportunities of the two girls stay comparatively the same.
In one wonderful day Irena wakes up as an heiress of a huge amount of money and real estates.
From then on the relationships between the two friends are not the same any longer. “I used to be very careful as to what I speak = shares Maria. – When my car broke, I did not dare to complain her or just, just so she does not think I want her money.” Maria admits that suddenly she has been very unpleasantly surprised by the feeling of less value and self-respect that has conquered her. The wellness of her friend made her feel like a complete loser. The years of real friendship and support have turned out to be not strong enough motive, in order for the two girls to overtake and manage the huge difference in their newly changed status. And not because they didn`t want to, but only because they had not admitted in front of themselves and in front of each other what feelings and fears the change brought to them.
If some or one of your friends have more money and can afford more luxuries, the chances for ruining the friendship are very big. Especially when one becomes rich unexpectedly. And this is not just a matter of heritage or winning from the lottery. Even one good and stable promotion in the office or a very good and profitable marriage brings a feeling of guilt to your friends. And a whole row of absurd and difficult situations.
The sociologists share one and the same opinion here: “currently people observe the money as a universal tool for measuring the status and the power more than ever”. Even in fields like art, science or education, professions, where the growth and development depended on other factors, currently is measured based on the financial success.
And not only this. Sometimes the money is a taboo topic. Why do we look so critically to the racism for example, and at the same time we ignore the negative consequences of the classes division? A lot of people admit that money have an incredible influence on their feelings. And when something similar like the above story happens to some of us, the chance that a friendship can fail forever is very, very big.
When such a difference in the financial capabilities of two people arose and this obviously affects their relations, we need to do the following. You sit down, relax and calmly, honestly and openly discuss with yourself what are your feelings towards the money and the success. And of course, this will help you understand where the roots of the negative emotions are hidden. This opinion is supported by a group of psychologists from the Institute of behavioral therapy. You may think the opposite, but in a person who all of a sudden finds out that he does not have any financial issues, may there be tons of insecurity and irresponsibility.
The new money comes around very often with unpleasant responsibilities as well. Imagine that now you have been promoted in your work and you will need to order to and boss around your friends. You will not be able to relax in their company and to talk nonsense and funny stuff like before. The unexpected refill of your bank check makes the people very unable to trust other people. This attitude on the other hand exposes them to a special type of isolation that very often is too painful.
Another typical reaction is the feeling of guilt that conquers those who all of a sudden, out of the blue, become rich. People whose luck has started to work, unlike this of their friends. The newly become rich people feel guilty because of the change of their social status and they need to fight with the feeling that they do not deserve this money.
For the less fortunate and rich friends the problem may come from the fact that if they have lived a family where the brother or the sister have been more successful in their career. If they have lived in somebody`s shadow, then the next repetition of this situation may key out too many negatives. The money is pushing many primitive buttons. Feelings due to which the people even do not have the slightest idea that they exist. Plus, except the fact that we need to be familiar with our feelings, we really have to believe in our friend, before approaching him or her for a conversation on these topics.
For example, we are awfully jealous towards the fact that our close friend has a lot of money now.
For example, if we are awfully jealous from the fact that our close friend now has loads of money, money that she has not earned with honest labor. It really looks unfair. However, being envy can work well for us as it can help us find out what exactly we want from ourselves.
If it turns out that the problem not in you, but in somehow changed relations, it is a good idea to speak honestly, without being pushy or aggressive. Share that your friendship is important to you and you have not changed despite the hardship you have gone through together through the years. Share also that now the difference in your financial state should not separate you as well either.
Let`s summarize it
When your friend suddenly becomes rich
· You need to realize your own feelings regarding the money, the class and the success. How they influence your life and what meaning do they have?
· Speak openly and calmly for how the money influences you friendship. Highlight that it is important to you and you have proved it through the test of time. Therefore you do not want the money to spoil all this.· And what matters most – the jealousy and the envy in this case are absolutely normal. Do not feel ashamed of them, but use them properly in order to find out what exactly do you want, when you draw and order your own goals and priorities.
If your luck hits on you and all of a sudden you find out that now you are having loads of money
· Watch out that your noble generosity is not accepted by your friends as a tryout to control them or to define the rules.
· If you feel that your friends start feeling awkward and uncomfortable, please start the dialogue. Just remind them some of the funny or hard moments, that you have had together or assure them that no money can ever stay between you and them.· Keep on having good fun together and do not refuse having a sliced pizza in the park. It is not necessary to drag your friends to all kinds of expensive restaurants, despite the fact that you are paying the bill. This cannot turn into everyday routine and you cannot always pay the bill.
The unexpected getting rich is a dream of many people. But they do not have even the slightest idea what they are about to go through. If it happens to you too, at least you will know how to react. Good luck!